Falling From Grace

So, it looks inevitable that my job is at an end; winding-up orders are to be issued on the company next week. This means that I effectively become a creditor of the company (for my outstanding wages and for the redundancy money that is owed me) – however with no money in the company, I’m not sure how that works. I have savings to tide me over for a good while – but I am not used to not working, I’ve never been unemployed and I’m not sure right now “how to do it” – how to look for work, how to sell myself, even at this stage what I could possibly do.

L is being remarkably supportive, and P is her usual lovely self (though she was a bit upset last night as she picked up on what we were talking about). It’s me and my brain that’s the problem – I’ve just got to get through this, but it’s the uncertainty that’s bothering me – I’m still going to work, knowing that I’m not being paid and am likely to be redundant – when – next week? the week after (happy birthday)? I just need a line drawing under it so that I can go and sort myself out and see what to do next, get some advice, go to agencies, job centres, etc. etc. – I can’t do any of this while I’m still sitting here waiting for the weather to get better and the ‘phone to ring. I want to go home.

Seeing Mumsie tomorrow (Mother’s Day), so I’m sure she’ll put my mind at rest re. money, but that’s still not the point. That Thatcher-legacy word “scrapheap” has never felt real to me; now it does, and I fell like I’m right on the top of it. I feel like “The good-for-nothing of Cherry Tree Lane“. I must stay strong, but it’s not easy to stay strong when you’re cold and crying.

On the plus side “fiddling while Rome burns” – L went and got tickets for Trisha Brown (in the Brighton festival) and Scarlet’s Well. We’ve still got our little Easter break to come, and I’m not cancelling that – so that has become my marker/watershed – I’ll sort things out after that. Am I in denial? Nah.

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