Mark E Smith’s Magical Teapot

Yusuf Islam on BBC last night, it was nice to see Cat Stevens bursting out sometimes; he looked like he really was happy, which was nice. How he can bear to sing “Father and Son” is beyond me – I was blubbing just watching.

Heigh-ho and so to dreamland last night!

My dream was as folllows:

I was a driver of some kind, assigned to drive the curmudgeonly Mark E Smith (of Fall fame) around in a tiny little caravan. He was on tour and it was some kind of lollapalooza deal with lots of bands. None of the other bands liked Mark, and I definitely had the short straw of the drivers, looking after him. Now for the complicated bit.

Mark E Smith owns a magical teapot. It has little legs and a face (eyes, little round mouth and – predictibly – the spout is the nose). It runs around REALLY FAST (like a hyperactive kitten, stopping and starting). The teapot can pop boiled eggs out of its mouth (shiny, white, and peeled “ready-to-eat”). This it does for Mark, as the boiled eggas are ALL THAT MR SMITH CAN EAT. Mark is very attached to his teapot, which as well as being an amusing little fellow, provides the eggs…

In my dream, the other drivers and bands, not liking Mark, bribed me to betray him, as follows.

I cornered and frightened the teapot by looming up at him (He’s only small, after all) and took some photos of the teapot being frightened, which the drivers – get this – were planning to have printed onto a large kite (the kind you fly on a string).

Their horrible plan was to fly the kite near the stage at the next (presumably outdoor) Fall performance. When Mark glimpsed a picture of his teapot chum being frightened, he would be “put off” and make a fool of himself (How? One imagines trouser soiling? Forgetting the words?!) thus enabling his rivals to laugh at his expense. I knew that if the plan came off, I would be found out and lose my job, cue paranoia.

I don’t know if the kite was ever flown (or even made) as my gears shifted at his point and I woke up, not exactly in a cold sweat, but rather rattled.

I thank you for listening.

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