Long time coming, this ‘un

It’s been a mighty long time this time. Funny old few years.
Conquered depression, closed down paragliding business, sent daughter to drama school for a year, got another cat, started directing plays, set up Identity theatre company (both with Nettie Sheridan), conquered sciatica, lost mother to dementia, nearly died of undiagnosed sepsis, lost weight, gained weight. And so on. And so forth.

I will be visiting again soon, and working out a real reason to be here.

Nearly 19, she was…

My little friend Yodi has just died, she was my (our) little chum for nearly 19 years; P has know her all her life; she’s been pretty ill for a couple of years though not in pain, but the end came when the vet found that she was riddled – I think that’s the technical term – with cancerous growths, and her liver functions were impaired (in other words, constant pain was setting in). Awful, sad time for us 3.

Work is proving very hard this year, with additional threats posed by the advent of cheap “coupon” style deals undercutting profits and devaluing the work we do.

I’ve been suffering another “low” period pretty much since Xmas, though L and P do their best to keep me cheered up. The strange thing is I know it’s happening, but seem unable to snap out of it. Feeling a bit better since the sun has come out, I suppose.

We’ve booked a holiday on the Welsh Borders in a woodland cabin, using the Forestry Commission thing. Should be nice, and I’ve never been to that part of the country at all.

P’s dancing is progressing, she got a second scholarship place to the Centre for Advanced Training (The Place/Laban Satellite) for Contemporary Dance, and now has a place for the Brighton Young Dancer’s Collective later in the year. Latin and Ballroom are going well, she has dance club at school and street/disco once a week for fun.

Just about to graduate in a few weeks, at the Dome. Looking forward to a Salad Nicoise afterwards.

Endings

Still amid a terrible month of depressive moods (circulating darkly around our house) and depressive vampirism (mum’s ongoing medicals) this has been a funny old time. Along with this is the usual raft of missed social engagements, and also a small sprinkling of pressure for P – upcoming school tests, peer group changes and a slight waver in her performance-confidence. Mum is in a respite home mostly in order to re-regimen her meds, she simply can’t cope with taking them herself. Strange times.

I handed in my final essay for OU yesterday. Assuming I get more than 40% for it – ?! – I have finally got my degree at 2.2 and will graduate in April 2011 assuming I live that long. I feel sort of empty with no focussed reading to do any more. Dickens here I come… I wonder if I’ll ever write another “essay” again? Pulling out the pin…

Skinbat Scramble have an upcoming gig at the Forum as part of the Syd Barrett trust; also recording to do for the next album; I have committed to this. Syd Barrett – could it be any more perfect?

Last night I dreamed that my next-door-but-one neighbour urinated on me from his window, in the dream I pretended to ignore it and haughtily went on with unloading groceries from my car.

Dark car headache

Dark car headache

Crank after umpteenth phonecall from mother

Tomorrow and Tomorrow and Tomorrow

It’s Pip’s birthday today : 12. Hard to imagine. Had a nice enough morning, with presents etc. which was fun.

Mum was rushed to hospital on Thursday night, she has some kind of food poisoning and urinary infection, and this has sparked a further vascular episode and ramped up her dementia further. Aggression, arguments, and on top of that she’s ill yet won’t stay in and rest. Impossible.

Hard to know what to do.
Hard to imagine.

Drag

Every day like the last one; every day like a re-run. Never a truer word spoken, Patti.
Trying to start work on something – displacement activity (cleaning etc) – distraction activity (mucking about on web/ playstation etc) – school runs – television – mum’s medical – overeating – self-loathing.
Abandoned.

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